When darkness covers my way
and heartache feels each day
I'm still guided by the Master's arm.
When grief has left me low
and the problems seem to grow
I'm still guided by the Master's arm.
When strife rises with those I'm near to
and crying is all I can do
I'm still guided by the Master's arm.
When my world seems to fall apart
and there's heavy burdens on my heart
I'm still guided by the Master's arm.
When my dreams have slipped away
And it seems I can't put into words my thoughts to pray
I'm still guided by the Master's arm.
When it seems I have no human help in sight
And my days seem as dreadful as the night
I'm still guided by the Master's arm
When things have not turned out the way that I would hope for
And my body's in pain and very sore
I'm still guided by the Master's arm.
Through everything I now can say
That my Master has not left me without a way
To live this life for Him with peace
Even though the problems will never cease
In every heartache, problem, and fear
He becomes to me each day more dear.
I just want to thank the Lord
for keeping me from harm
By guiding me with his strong arm.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
In Pursuit of Peace
As a teenager I longed for something that was missing in my life. I grew up in a home where fighting and fussing was prevalent. My parents separated when I was thirteen. When I needed guidance the most was when I was left to tend to myself. Life was bitter and unpleasant. Depressions flooded my soul and I couldn't overcome it. I felt such a heavy weight set upon me and I didn't know what to do. I was overwhelmed at school and spent most of my time with the counselor. I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork or social life. I cried everyday. It felt like a war was going on inside my body and there was no one to turn to for help. Everyone thought I was going crazy, including me.All of the dreams that I had lived for had shattered. I reached a point of utter hopelessness. The things in life that had once given me joy now left me longing for something more. I really didn't see the point of living. I felt like I had no family to help and my friends were nothing but troublemakers. I'd come home late at night hoping for correction, some sign that my dad cared, but he never even acknowleged my presence. I can see now he was hurting so bad from losing his wife he forgot to comsider my feelings in losing a mother.I was looking for a way out of my troubled state so I decided to visit my mom across the country. My dad was so upset he wasn't even home to tell me goodbye. I was only suppose to go for a visit but in the end I never returned home to my dad or my life thousands of miles away. I couldn't have it both ways those days were long gone. I envied teenagers who lived with both parents in what seemed like a perfect life. My life was anything but perfect. I stayed with people who openly cussed God, which didn't bother me at that time cause I wasn't saved. They were drug addicts and drunks. My state of being appeared to be getting worse. My mom spent most of her money on drugs so much that we went without the necessities of life. Due to the bills not being pais we were forced to leave our trailer we called home. During this time my brother saw me reading the Bible and dared me to go to church with my grandma. I couldn't refuse a dare so I went on Sunday. I really didn't like it but I kept going because there was something different about the people than I was use to. One Sunday evening I acknowledged my lost condition. I finally saw myself lost without God. I received Christ as my Saviour that night and perfect peace flooded my soul. That peace was what I had been longing for ever since I could remember.When I got home from church I told my family what had happened and they actually thought I was crazy. They began to ridicule me. I thought life was hard before I got saved I was mistaken, it only got worse. My family made life difficult but Christ was right beside me in all of the trials. All around me was turmoil but in my soul I had peace that passes all understanding. God placed a heavy burden on my heart for my lost loved ones. I tried to tell them about God but it seemed to no avail. Every night before I'd go to be I'd hug my mom for what seemed like hours as I told her goodnight. I made the process as drawn out as possible. I was so scared she would die during the night and go to hell. I remember many nights when she'd be out partying. She'd leave me home alone wondering if she'd make it home alive. Her drug friends would bang on my window in the middle of the night looking for different things. One time when I came home from school one of her friends was siting on our couch alone. God's grace has always been sufficient for me. He has brought me though so much which enabled me to trust him more. I can truly say my life inspite of all the trials is a hundred times better. I've seen many people in opposition to God and I have also seen God's miraculous ways of bringing people to him. He's saved my mom ( Although she's not in church now), sister, and niece. I thought my mom was unreachable but God's able to save even those that look hopeless. I still have a lot of family members who are lost and seemly hopeless, but I'm not going to lose my faith in God. He's showed me how powerful He is and I'll never lose hope that he'll bring them into his saving grace. I just want to thank God for being so present in my life. He's been so good to me. I just want to serve him as long as I have breath. I've wasted many precious years in the world and I want to live many more for God.
A Sentence of Love
I'm facing fifteen years in prison for murder. Money talks at least that's how it happened in my case. Steve Fuller's probably laughing his head off at his ingenious plan as he lives and dies a free man. I regret many things in life one of which was giving my heart away to a man that doesn't know what love is. I guess you could say my love for a man sentenced me to prison.
That night's still fresh in my mind. My body shivered from the cold piercing wind as I hurried down the street. My heart beat so fast it felt like it could jump out of my chest. I forgot to take my blood pressure medicine so my head was aching. I looked over my shoulder many times making sure I wasn't being followed. My hand clung to the gun in my pocket. I scanned the area for a place to get rid of the evidence. There was a construction site across the street. I spotted heaps of dirt. I knew the chances of finding the gun would be very slim. I took off across the street tripping over the small darkened piles. I fell to my knees and took the gun out of my pocket. I used my bare fingers to dig a hole deep enough to hide the weapon. My hands shook as I placed the gun in the dirt. I stood up and kicked the dirt over the hole. My hands were burned, scratched, and bleeding. A small price to pay for freedom. I took one last look at the mounts of dirt then I took off running for home.
My hands shook as I turned the doorknob. I stood in the doorway trying to catch my breath. My
sister exhaled deeply when she saw me standing in the living room. She dropped the phone and almost tripped over the dog running toward me.
“ I've chewed all my finger nails off waiting for you to get home.” She wrapped her big arms around me. “ There's been a murder by your work and I didn't know if something had happened to you too. Next time you're going to be home late how about letting someone know.”
“ I am so sorry.” I tried hiding my bloody hands from my sister. “ I wasn't even aware that there had been a murder.”
“ I'm surprised you didn't hear the gun shots.” She rubbed her hand through my hair.
“ I've always been hard of hearing.” I walked toward the kitchen. “ What's for supper?”
“ How can you think of food at a time like this?”
“ I didn't eat much today.” I grabbed a banana from the counter.
“ What in the world happened to your hands?” She grabbed my hands staring at the scratches.
“ I filed a lot of papers today. I've gotten major paper cuts.” I grabbed my hands back. “ The good thing is it doesn't hurt as bad as it looks.”
“ It sounds kind of hard to believe but you've never lied to me before. How about being more careful next time.” My sister glanced at the clock. “ It's almost bedtime but I'm too frightened to sleep.”
“ I doubt anything will happen during the night.” I yawned profusely.
“ How can you be so confident?” She rubbed her shivering arms.
“ The persons probably not even in town anymore. Who'd be dumb enough to kill a man then stay
in the same town?” I walked over to the light switch.
“ You have a point there.” My sister gave me a big hug then walked to her room.
I tossed and turned all night as flashbacks of the incident flooded my mind. Pictures of the man haunted me as he dropped to his knees begging for mercy. The man pulled numerous pictures out of his wallet trying to convince me that his family needed him. I felt sorry for him. I knew though that nothing he said could of changed his fate. Shots were fired. I glanced at the dead man as blood covered the ground. The gun in my hand shook as I took off running. All I could think of was the man's family.
The beeping of the alarm startled me as I climbed out of bed. I was hoping the morning would never come. I wasn't ready for the truth to be exposed. There was a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and it wouldn't go away. I climbed into the shower and stood under the steamy running water. I dug the soap into my skin hoping it would take the filth away. My hands seemed to scream as water touched my open wounds. I climbed out of the shower and put my clothes on. I couldn't dare look at myself in the mirror. I threw my hair up and walked downstairs. My sister was eating a bowl of cereal with her eyes glued to the T.V.
“ I've been up for hours trying to glean any information I could from the news.” My sister set her bowl on the coffee table. “ The police have a video tape from the incident.”
“ So soon?” I felt like I was going to throw up.
“ The sooner the better.” My sister flipped the news off. “ The shocking news is the murderer is a female.”
“ Do they have a clear description of her?” I wrapped a strand of my hair around a finger.
“ Pretty much like yours.” My sister moved a pillow behind her.
“ That's creepy.”
“ That's what I thought.” My sister glanced at the clock.
“ I better get going before I'm late for work.” I hurried outside almost tripping over the porch step.
The sunlight made my head spin. I felt like I had taken too much cold medicine. I crossed the street and followed behind a crowd of people walking to work. I went unnoticed as a couple of men discussed the murder. My hands were clammy and face hot as the group crossed the street leaving me almost in tears. Their words seemed to pierce through my body.
“ The murderer's probably some low life seeking a minute of fame.” One of the men said.
“ Oh, she'll get her minute of fame then she'll rot in prison.” A deep voice said. “ I think the person should go to the electric chair.”
I rubbed my head trying to make their comments disappear. I walked into work and headed for my desk in the back of the building. I flipped through the stacks of paper on my desk. One paper caught my attention. It was written in bold red letters. It read ' Murderer.' I grabbed the paper and walked to my boss's, and significant other's office. He pulled me in his office and bolted the door behind me.
“ What are you thinking?” I held the paper in the air.
“ It's kind of comical if you ask me.” He walked up behind me and rubbed his hand against my neck.
“ I'm not laughing.” I moved his hand away from me. “ If this gets out I'll be doing some hard time for you.”
“ Sweetie, it's already out.” He winked at me. “ I hope the women in the prison aren't too rough with you.”
“ I never should of listened to you.” I bent over in despair.
“ You were so love struck you would of done anything I asked.” He laughed as he walked to his desk.
“ If I'm going so are you.” I moved in front of the door.
“ Too bad you have nothing to prove that I concocted the whole scheme.” He propped his feet on his desk.
“ I'll explain everything.” I threw my hands in the air.
“ Who do you think the police will believe an influential business man or you?”
“ I can't believe you set me up.”
“ I called the police a few minutes ago and told them where the gun was buried. You better go tell your sister bye before she has to see you through prison bars.” He said as he opened the door.
I almost ran the whole way home. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to jump out. Sweat poured from my forehead. I opened the door and nearly passed out when I saw the police sitting on the couch. I wanted to run the other way but I knew that I couldn't. I glanced at my sister. Her eyes were red and puffy. She would barely make eye contact with me. A female officer cuffed me and read me my rights. I panicked. I was screaming and crying as loud as I could. My sister walked up to me.
“ I can't believe you were the murderer.” My sister slapped me in the face. Her eyes were red and face blotchy. “ Why did you do it?”
My face stung. “ The man was jeopardizing George's business. He repetitively ran his name down to who ever would listen. Business was slacking off considerably.” I lowered my steaming eyes.
“ George told me if I loved him I would try and ease his burdens. I didn't want to lose George's love so I did the only thing I knew to do.”
“ Now you don't have his love or mine.” My sister looked me over then walked out of my life forever.
“ Times up.” The officer escorted me to the car and drove off sealing my fate for life.
That night's still fresh in my mind. My body shivered from the cold piercing wind as I hurried down the street. My heart beat so fast it felt like it could jump out of my chest. I forgot to take my blood pressure medicine so my head was aching. I looked over my shoulder many times making sure I wasn't being followed. My hand clung to the gun in my pocket. I scanned the area for a place to get rid of the evidence. There was a construction site across the street. I spotted heaps of dirt. I knew the chances of finding the gun would be very slim. I took off across the street tripping over the small darkened piles. I fell to my knees and took the gun out of my pocket. I used my bare fingers to dig a hole deep enough to hide the weapon. My hands shook as I placed the gun in the dirt. I stood up and kicked the dirt over the hole. My hands were burned, scratched, and bleeding. A small price to pay for freedom. I took one last look at the mounts of dirt then I took off running for home.
My hands shook as I turned the doorknob. I stood in the doorway trying to catch my breath. My
sister exhaled deeply when she saw me standing in the living room. She dropped the phone and almost tripped over the dog running toward me.
“ I've chewed all my finger nails off waiting for you to get home.” She wrapped her big arms around me. “ There's been a murder by your work and I didn't know if something had happened to you too. Next time you're going to be home late how about letting someone know.”
“ I am so sorry.” I tried hiding my bloody hands from my sister. “ I wasn't even aware that there had been a murder.”
“ I'm surprised you didn't hear the gun shots.” She rubbed her hand through my hair.
“ I've always been hard of hearing.” I walked toward the kitchen. “ What's for supper?”
“ How can you think of food at a time like this?”
“ I didn't eat much today.” I grabbed a banana from the counter.
“ What in the world happened to your hands?” She grabbed my hands staring at the scratches.
“ I filed a lot of papers today. I've gotten major paper cuts.” I grabbed my hands back. “ The good thing is it doesn't hurt as bad as it looks.”
“ It sounds kind of hard to believe but you've never lied to me before. How about being more careful next time.” My sister glanced at the clock. “ It's almost bedtime but I'm too frightened to sleep.”
“ I doubt anything will happen during the night.” I yawned profusely.
“ How can you be so confident?” She rubbed her shivering arms.
“ The persons probably not even in town anymore. Who'd be dumb enough to kill a man then stay
in the same town?” I walked over to the light switch.
“ You have a point there.” My sister gave me a big hug then walked to her room.
I tossed and turned all night as flashbacks of the incident flooded my mind. Pictures of the man haunted me as he dropped to his knees begging for mercy. The man pulled numerous pictures out of his wallet trying to convince me that his family needed him. I felt sorry for him. I knew though that nothing he said could of changed his fate. Shots were fired. I glanced at the dead man as blood covered the ground. The gun in my hand shook as I took off running. All I could think of was the man's family.
The beeping of the alarm startled me as I climbed out of bed. I was hoping the morning would never come. I wasn't ready for the truth to be exposed. There was a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and it wouldn't go away. I climbed into the shower and stood under the steamy running water. I dug the soap into my skin hoping it would take the filth away. My hands seemed to scream as water touched my open wounds. I climbed out of the shower and put my clothes on. I couldn't dare look at myself in the mirror. I threw my hair up and walked downstairs. My sister was eating a bowl of cereal with her eyes glued to the T.V.
“ I've been up for hours trying to glean any information I could from the news.” My sister set her bowl on the coffee table. “ The police have a video tape from the incident.”
“ So soon?” I felt like I was going to throw up.
“ The sooner the better.” My sister flipped the news off. “ The shocking news is the murderer is a female.”
“ Do they have a clear description of her?” I wrapped a strand of my hair around a finger.
“ Pretty much like yours.” My sister moved a pillow behind her.
“ That's creepy.”
“ That's what I thought.” My sister glanced at the clock.
“ I better get going before I'm late for work.” I hurried outside almost tripping over the porch step.
The sunlight made my head spin. I felt like I had taken too much cold medicine. I crossed the street and followed behind a crowd of people walking to work. I went unnoticed as a couple of men discussed the murder. My hands were clammy and face hot as the group crossed the street leaving me almost in tears. Their words seemed to pierce through my body.
“ The murderer's probably some low life seeking a minute of fame.” One of the men said.
“ Oh, she'll get her minute of fame then she'll rot in prison.” A deep voice said. “ I think the person should go to the electric chair.”
I rubbed my head trying to make their comments disappear. I walked into work and headed for my desk in the back of the building. I flipped through the stacks of paper on my desk. One paper caught my attention. It was written in bold red letters. It read ' Murderer.' I grabbed the paper and walked to my boss's, and significant other's office. He pulled me in his office and bolted the door behind me.
“ What are you thinking?” I held the paper in the air.
“ It's kind of comical if you ask me.” He walked up behind me and rubbed his hand against my neck.
“ I'm not laughing.” I moved his hand away from me. “ If this gets out I'll be doing some hard time for you.”
“ Sweetie, it's already out.” He winked at me. “ I hope the women in the prison aren't too rough with you.”
“ I never should of listened to you.” I bent over in despair.
“ You were so love struck you would of done anything I asked.” He laughed as he walked to his desk.
“ If I'm going so are you.” I moved in front of the door.
“ Too bad you have nothing to prove that I concocted the whole scheme.” He propped his feet on his desk.
“ I'll explain everything.” I threw my hands in the air.
“ Who do you think the police will believe an influential business man or you?”
“ I can't believe you set me up.”
“ I called the police a few minutes ago and told them where the gun was buried. You better go tell your sister bye before she has to see you through prison bars.” He said as he opened the door.
I almost ran the whole way home. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to jump out. Sweat poured from my forehead. I opened the door and nearly passed out when I saw the police sitting on the couch. I wanted to run the other way but I knew that I couldn't. I glanced at my sister. Her eyes were red and puffy. She would barely make eye contact with me. A female officer cuffed me and read me my rights. I panicked. I was screaming and crying as loud as I could. My sister walked up to me.
“ I can't believe you were the murderer.” My sister slapped me in the face. Her eyes were red and face blotchy. “ Why did you do it?”
My face stung. “ The man was jeopardizing George's business. He repetitively ran his name down to who ever would listen. Business was slacking off considerably.” I lowered my steaming eyes.
“ George told me if I loved him I would try and ease his burdens. I didn't want to lose George's love so I did the only thing I knew to do.”
“ Now you don't have his love or mine.” My sister looked me over then walked out of my life forever.
“ Times up.” The officer escorted me to the car and drove off sealing my fate for life.
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